Loneliness is a Drug that Can't Be Denied
by Yankeesam32935
Summary: Told from Chuck's POV after the elevator break-up scene. How Chuck comes to terms with the death of his father and losing Blair and how that relates to why he goes after Elle, but it ultimately brings him straight back to Blair.


Loneliness is a Drug that Can't Be Denied- Oneshot

**A/N: It's time for a bit of honesty. I'm going to be leaving this fandom shortly. And with that I give you my last fic that I will be writing for Gossip Girl. It has been fun. **

_The elevator doors opened slowly and Blair peered into the constricted space only to see the one person that she swore she would never like to see again, but then why was her heart beating so fast? There he stood, looking at her solemnly and holding flowers in his hands. She looked at him quickly, but she knew that he saw the disappointed look on her face. She wanted to show that she didn't have any feelings or emotion left towards him, but she didn't quite succeed. _

_They were silent for several seconds until he spoke up. "I'm sorry," Chuck's voice was grave and dire from the pain. "I screwed up." He handed her a bouquet of flowers and she took them into her hands carefully. _

_She peered at the flowers before saying in a dispirited tone, "It's too late, Chuck. I've stood by you through all of this, but I can't watch you self destruct any longer." She brought her eyes back to his and saw the same hopeless that she felt reflected in his._

"_Jack set me up." He said it quickly and there was a plea in his voice. Chuck Bass was pleading with her and any other time that might have mattered, but she had made her mind up before and she wasn't going to let something as little as this make her instantly forgive him, like she had so many times before. The elevator doors began to close and Blair almost wished that the elevator would swallow him whole, so she wouldn't have to deal with the constant pain that came with loving Chuck. Just in the nick of time, he banged his hand hastily against the doors, so that they remained open again._

_She finally found her voice again. "You have no one to blame, but yourself. I believed in you, your father believed in you. You- are the only one who didn't." Tears began to cascade down her face. She paused for a minute while trying to find the right words. "All I wanted to do was just be there. But today when you called me your wife," he shook his head in denial, but she ignored him and plowed on, "you made it sound like the ugliest word in the world." She looked down at the floor in defeat._

_Chuck tried again. "Blair, please." He reached for her, but she pushed him away adamantly. _

_Blair looked at him one last time before dropping her eyes to her shoes. It was easier to talk to her Lanvin flats then it was to look him in the eyes and say the words. "Sorry…but I'm done."_

_The finality of her voice must have alerted him to how serious she was about her decision. Chuck stepped fully back into the elevator and just before the doors closed, she threw the flowers that he had brought her back at him and they landed right next to the heel of his shoe. He stared at the flowers until the elevator came to a complete stop. He left them there. Blair was done with him and he never thought that this could happen, but she had just broken his heart and nothing he would do could make her forgive him in this moment. He would do nothing. He made a decision then and there that he didn't need anyone in his life, especially someone named Blair Waldorf. _

XOXO

He was drunk. Wickedly drunk. He looked around his suite and hardly recognized where he was. Room 1812, once such a symbol of peace and happiness for him, but it held none of that attraction anymore. He couldn't even recognize himself anymore and he didn't want to. Is this what grief felt like? It must have been because he had never felt like this before and he wanted to snap out of it, but he couldn't and nothing irritated him more than that, except for the fact that he was having trouble having sex with other women. No. He corrected himself, not sex, fucking. He wasn't going to go all soft now on that. Why was he having such trouble though? He used to always be able to get it up. What was different now? He knew the answer immediately. _Her._

Chuck went over to the sideboard and lined up bottles of liquor in the way that he was going to drink them. He was already more than drunk, but he decided that it wasn't enough. He would show them all that they were right about him. He was worthless and it was high time that he started showing them that. No one cared about him. Absolutely no one.

A half hour later the first bottle of alcohol had been consumed. Gin. He didn't particularly care for it, but it was alcohol nonetheless and he didn't want to feel anything. He wanted to be the Chuck Bass that he had been little over a year ago. Numb. He wanted to be completely numb and not feel a thing.

The next bottle went down a little rougher. Whiskey. It burned his throat on the way down and made his eyes water. He disregarded that fact and kept on drinking. He didn't want his sanity any longer. He just wanted the pain to go away and to be able to forget everything. That was his reason for getting blazing drunk, to forget everything and everyone. It wasn't working. Fuck. Nothing would make him forget.

He grabbed the bottle of scotch and started to down it. He would welcome when he would pass out, but for now that wasn't happening. He couldn't even get properly drunk anymore. What the fuck was the matter with him? He gulped down the first bottle of scotch within ten minutes and when it was empty, aimed for the garbage bin and threw it. He missed. The bottle shattered into millions of tiny pieces on the floor.

Chuck stood up on shaky legs and had to hold onto the furniture all around him to make it back to the sidebar and grab the next bottle of scotch. He took several sips before he realized that he had tears streaming down his face. That would be bad enough, but he knew it wasn't from the liquor and instead from the people in his life.

He angrily wiped the tears away and hurled the bottle across the room and it smashed into the oval mirror framing the foyer. The crash resonated and made him curl his hands into fists.

He started to smash everything he could find, various expensive antiques lying around, glass, all the alcohol that was there, and anything that he could get his hands on. It was for them. As he threw everything against the wall, he thought of Bart and the grief that he felt over his death and how his father had never loved him, his supposed friends, Lily, the bitch who had as good as killed her father, and he even allowed himself to think of her. For the first time in weeks he thought of her and he hated himself for it, so he upturned a table with items littered all over it and he forced himself never to think of her again or say her name. That would be the end of him.

Chuck found that he was blubbering like a baby again and crumpled on the floor again and allowed himself a moment of weakness. He could envision her tangle of russet curls and her headbands, her tights, the way she smiled when she was plotting something, and lastly the smile she reserved especially for him.

Darkness followed. And he went into the dark abyss of oblivion.

XOXO

There were bottles of alcohol everywhere. A pile of cocaine by the ashtray. A blunt rolled, but that had not been used yet. And Chuck realized that he hadn't showered in nine days. That overtook everything. He planned on smoking and using everything, but first he had to shower. And then maybe he could get his life back into the order that it used to be…before Bart had died and Blair had left him. Those thoughts only served to depress him even more. He just wanted to feel whole again and maybe the first step to that would be to rid himself of all the temptations in his room. Maybe he would throw everything away, but that was a big maybe.

XOXO

"Chuck."

He turned at the sound of his best friend's voice. Well his best friend who had abandoned him in the time of his greatest need. You couldn't really call someone a best friend after that. He saw Nate standing at the entry of the doorway, casually standing like he didn't have a care in the world and he knew that he didn't care. He hadn't seen him in months, but now that he was seeing him, he realized that he hadn't missed much.

"Nathaniel. What do I owe this pleasure?"

Nate pulled a face. "Chuck, you know that…"

"No, I don't. I haven't seen you in what, four months?"

"I wanted to give you time, man."

"And now you're ready to be my friend again?"

He swallowed hard. "I've always been your friend." He finally had the courage to look into Chuck's face. "You know that, right?"

He didn't answer Nate. He didn't have to. He didn't owe answers to anyone who hadn't given a fuck, but now who finally felt ready to be a friend again. In some part of his still hazy grief stricken mind he knew that Nate and all the others did care about him and it was partly his fault because he had pushed them all away, but to him they had never tried hard enough. And that was unforgivable to Chuck.

Nate frowned and it only added to his usual appearance of confusion. "How have you been?"

He slapped Nate hard on the back. "Grand. Just grand, Nathaniel." A semblance of a smirk spread across his lips. "I fucked a pair of twins last night. A blond and a brunette. Is that what you were looking to hear?"

Nate tried to look interested in that fact, but he failed miserably. "I would love to hear something like that if it meant that you were back to yourself, but I know that you're not. I bet you're even lying. They were no twins last night, were there?"

_How did he know that? He couldn't even lie to convince Nate anymore. _How did something like this happen? He had developed feelings and that overtook every part of his brain. He sighed and whispered savagely, "You're right. There were no twins. I only said that so you would get off my ass and maybe I could crawl back into the hole that you all think that I come from."

"Chuck," he paused and after collecting his thoughts said, "We all care about you. No one has known how to get through to you and that's why we haven't been around."

"You didn't care enough to try."

"We all care," Nate shook his head in denial at Chuck's statement. "We're all pulling for you."

"I'm not some fucking charity case!" the words exploded out of him and he wanted to make sure that he understood that he was not a charity case and never would be that low. "And who are these people that you keep referring to that care about me?"

"Well for starters, I do. I'm your best friend and maybe I haven't shown that lately, but I'm always going to care what happens to you, Chuck." Chuck snorted in disbelief. Nate didn't pay any attention to that and plowed on. "Then there's Serena, Lily, Eric, and…Blair."

"Don't mention her name to me ever again." He growled. His voice had a hard quality about it now and the mere mention of her name seemed to set him off.

Nate knew instantly that it was Blair's name that had upset him and not Serena's or Lily's. "She cares about you, Chuck. She does and always will, but she doesn't want to get hurt again. Although she hasn't been happy since everything went down and we all can see that she misses you. Why don't you try calling her or texting her?"

"She gave up on me," his voice granite only a moment ago, now had turned forlorn and desperate and he hated that about himself. "I don't need her any longer, just like she obviously doesn't need me." As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he knew that it was a lie, but he was going to admit that.

"No, that's not true."

"Get out." Chuck hissed.

"Why? I'm trying to help you."

"I don't want your help. I don't need it!" He gave Nate a hearty shove towards the door and Nate had no choice, but to cooperate.

"Fine, but I'll be back. I'm not giving up on you and you should realize that before you hurt yourself even more."

And then he was gone and Chuck realized that it was the first human contact he had with the outside world in months, except for nameless whores that he had been trying to fuck. He missed them. His friends and even…No, he wouldn't allow himself to think about her again. She was done hurting him and he was done hurting her. It was better off this way.

XOXO

He slowly began to creep out of his depressive state. The months of depression finally started to seep away and he began to feel human again. Chuck still didn't feel whole, but he was beginning to feel somewhat like his old self again and it was because of her. Elle. She had made him forget a part of himself and discover something new.

He had met her around the time that he was still grieving his father's death and he found out about the secret society club that he had been involved with, as was Elle and he still didn't know the full story behind that. She was obviously beautiful and then there was the allure of protecting her and the mysteriousness that she was. Being with her proved to be a challenge, but you couldn't say that it wasn't exciting and Chuck Bass lived for excitement.

He had even fancied himself in love with her when he agreed to leave the country with her, but he had just been fooling himself. He had wanted to fall in love with Elle and he convinced himself that he was, but it was all to forget about _her. _He wanted to be able to love someone other than her, but he found that he couldn't and that irked him more than anything, so he told himself that it was true. He loved Elle, but the truth of the matter was that he didn't and never would. He would have liked to believe it, but even he wasn't that far gone to believe something of that nature.

_Why did he make himself believe that he was then? What was different about Elle from all the other nameless women that he had fucked and forgotten about within a few hours? _She was different because she had come to him after their official meeting and he missed the feel of human contact and someone coming to him for something other than pity.

He cared about her enough to help her, but he had never been in love with her. And within the next few days he found out that was a good thing because she betrayed him. She had never wanted him for anything other than help. Elle had never cared about him and that hurt.

XOXO

He caught up with her as she was exiting her hotel room and hailing a taxi. "Elle," he said in surprise. "Where are you going? What happened to the plan that we had?"

She had sighed and stopped short. "That's it, Chuck. I got what I wanted and I don't need you anymore."

Elle didn't apologize, but acted as though he should have known that something like this would have happened. "You used me?" He felt like clutching at his heart, but he would never do anything like that in front of her.

"I had to. I'm sure you understand that. You seem like a great guy, but now that I have everything that I need, I really don't have a use for you anymore."

Elle's words cut him deeply and he couldn't believe that he could have been so naïve and actually thinkt that she had feelings for him. He couldn't even blame her. It was his fault. It was another case of no one caring about Chuck Bass.

An uncomfortable expression crossed her face before she leaned over to kiss him lightly on the cheek. "Go find someone that truly cares about you." With that she turned and walked out of his life, like so many other before her.

Losing her had been like losing a piece of himself and no he wasn't talking about Elle anymore. He was talking about _her. _Elle's words ran through his mind over and over again. _Find someone that truly cares about you. _For the first time in months he allowed himself to truly think of her. All of their games and the lies and the gossip didn't matter nor did the past. He needed her. Blair. He could finally admit it. What he tried to hide for so long. His life wasn't complete without Blair in it. It had taken him a long time to figure it out, but now that he had he wasn't about to let her drop out of his life. Blair was it.

Fin.

**A/N: It would be lovely if you could review my final fic for Gossip Girl. Tell me how I did. Thanks to everyone who has always encouraged me and you'll see me sometime soon in a different random. **

**XOXO**

**Sam**


End file.
